Achieving Kateness

Tonight’s Masterpiece:

Pan-Seared Goodness

That is a pound of pan-seared scallops and leftover smashed cauliflower.  And a glass of red wine, because I’m seriously concerned about my heart health.  Yeah, that’s it.  Thank god for single-serving bottles.

So the scallops came out pretty good, not great, I think they could have used more seasoning.  The recipe I followed said to just use salt, but maybe some pepper & garlic powder would be good.  Still don’t get me wrong they were very tasty and I feel happily full (which for like $17/lb I had better).

I had a half-assed workout at the gym before hand, I was supposed to go to this gym up north that I signed up for a trial with, but I stupidly procrastinated for like an hour and a half so then it was too late and I had to go to Gold’s.  I really didn’t feel like being there but I managed to meander through 30 minutes before I went to go buy my scallops.

You will need:

A good-sized Rib Eye

Cast Iron Skillet

Olive Oil

Salt, Pepper, Olive Oil

1) Steak should be at room temperature when you cook it.  Rub salt & pepper liberally on both sides.

2) Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees

3) Put cast-iron skillet on stove around 8 (high heat).  Put a bit of olive oil in the bottom, enough to cover it but not any more.

4) Get the skillet nice & hot, so that water sizzles.  Put the steak in, then turn heat down to medium (about a 5)  for about 1-2 min. depending on thickness

5) Your steak should have a strip of fat in the back.  Grab a fork, pick up the steak and balance it on the strip of fat so that gets seared.  That should take 30 seconds-1 minute.

6) Flip the steak onto the unseared side, then put it in the oven.

7) Leave in oven about 3-6 minutes, depending on thickness and how you like it.  Keep in mind it will keep cooking for a few minutes after you take it out.  Let it sit for a few minutes.

Perfect!

Peep this, ladies and gentlemen:

Tasty, Tasty Steak

So I’m on this kick where I want to learn to cook.  I’ll wait for the shock to wear off.
*twiddles thumbs*

Anyway, yeah.  I realized a long time ago one of the reasons I have a hard time is because everything I make tastes like crap so I always want to eat out.  This past Sunday, I didn’t necessarily even want to go out, I just didn’t want anything I could make.  So I’m going to learn to cook without setting off the smoke alarm and it will (hopefully) taste good.

So tonight’s menu was something I tried before with much less success:   Steak.  I love a good, simple steak, and have never been able to make one.  After much searching I found the perfect method and didn’t burn the house down doing it.  I’ll post the recipe separately.  Also featured:  smashed cauliflower, aka faux-tatoes, and sauteed mushrooms.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the person I want to be and who she is and life in general and getting frustrated because seriously, it should not be this hard to not weigh 270 lbs. but for some reason I do.  I feel like I’m living my life behind a filter that prevents me from fully experiencing it, a soft fuzzy veil of fat that never really goes away no matter what.  I want to experience everything in sharp contrast and full color and not feel muted and withdrawn.  There’s a completely different person inside me, banging on the walls of her fat prison trying to break out, and I want so badly to be able to let her out.

The weather here has developed some form of ADHD, I think, where it can’t focus one one season.  Yesterday was 72, and I wore shorts all day.  Today is in the mid 50’s, tomorrow there is a 90% chance of snow.  WTF.  After being in Hawaii, I am just so ready for warmer weather.  I joked to all of my co-workers that I job searched in Honolulu (I really did!) but now I’m thinking hey, maybe that’s not such a bad idea!  Too bad Sora hates the beach…Jester would love it, though.

I did a lot of thinking while I was in Hawaii, because that’s generally what happens when you go on vacation alone.  I did enjoy it, for the most part, but I felt very, very self-conscious about being in my bathing suit, and even just walking around.   Something about being in paradise, surrounded by beautiful people… :)  Of course in reality there were all kinds of people - other fatties, old people, soccer moms, beer-gut sporting dads, all intermingled with the perfect bodies of the surfers and full-time beach goers.   I came to a realization, though, while I was walking the beach at sunrise (very disappointing, I did not realize the beach faces north and the sunrise is blocked by mountains).  There were people out jogging, and I remembered that our VP of marketing told me she used to bring her running shoes and go for a run in every new city as a way to get to see some of it outside of the trade shows and corporate bustle.  I thought, what a great idea!  And I realized I want to be that kind of person, who jogs on vacation.

I always have a hard time dealing with duality.  I love to eat, and I love to eat fine dining as much as I love fast food.  I like to be active, I have fun running around and playing sports and I love to swim, but I also love sitting around doing nothing but watching tv.  In Hawaii I realized that it’s ok to do both.  I can be the person who wakes up at 6am to jog around the island while on vacation (to be fair, that’s actually like waking up at noon with the time difference), AND  I can be the girl who goes to the breakfast buffet every day and eats her weight in tater tots.   Because hasn’t that always been my problem?  I’m at one extreme or the other, eating with perfect virtue and never missing a workout or ballooning up to 265 lbs. by eating whole pizzas by myself.

When I got back to work, I found out that they want me to go to Vegas to the Cisco Live trade show in June.  I am SO EXCITED.  I also know that I am NOT GOING TO BE FAT when I go.  So, as of this morning, I am low-carbing again.  My goal is to lose 80 lbs. by June 27th.   I know that’s really ambitious, and crazy, but I don’t care.  Just once, I want to set an impossible goal for myself and meet it.  And when I go to Vegas, I’ll be the girl jogging along the strip at 6am…headed right for the buffet afterwards. 

I ate 2 tiny pretzels from a 100-calorie bag that C. had today, and they were the most amazing things ever.  They had a light, buttery flavor, with the perfect amount of salt and crunch.  I savored them for a long time.
It’s funny that food stolen in small bites is often so much better than when it’s consumed in large quantities.  I’ve had those pretzels thousands of times before and logically I know they’re just processed white flour and salt that have been sitting in our work pantry for months.  Yet when eaten on a rare occasion as a special occurrence, they are a delicacy.  The same is true of chocolate - an illicit hershey’s kiss is beyond compare, whereas wolfing down half a pint of chocolate ice cream becomes boring and bland quickly.  It makes me think that the whole “French Women Don’t Get Fat” thing (ostensibly the reasoning is, they eat tiny portions of things they really enjoy) might have some merit.

Still going strong on the T-Cloud diet and down 6lbs. from Monday.  Not yet sick of the subs, but I’m sure our favorite locale is sick of us.  Also have to take into account the fact they close at 9:30 - last night I wanted to work out while I watched the State of the Union speech by President Obama but I had to leave early so I’d be able to eat.  Next time I think I’ll get food before the gym.

If you’ve ever lived in Austin, right now you’re singing “Every day, they’re all over town, they’re right on your way!”  That’s the jingle for Thunder Cloud subs, a local sandwich shop.  Since C. joined, the gym, he’s made a small effort to eat healthier and he came up with the Thunder Could diet - basically he eats oatmeal for breakfast when he gets to work, then a trip to Thunder Cloud for lunch & dinner.  When he first told me that I laughed - it’s like the Subway Diet, but with Thunder Cloud.

Then I started thinking about how Jared lost all that weight on the Subway Diet.  I did a little research and found that he actually lost 100 lbs. in 3 months!  Granted he started off at 425 lbs, but still.  All he really did was eat at Subway, and walk more.  For the hell of it, I pulled up Thunder Cloud’s nutritional information and I was shocked - with the exception of the Egg Salad & Bacon sandwich, just about everything on there is low calorie.  And then I started thinking hey, maybe there’s something to this idea…

It might be crazy, but the simplicity of it is so appealing.  Isn’t that what I’ve missed - when eating was easy?  I feel like over the years I’ve made food so complicated and difficult - how many calories in that, what time should I eat, how do I divide up protein/carbs/fat, etc.  This is just pretty much pick a sandwich, skip the mayo, and you’re good to go.  So I’m going to try it, except instead of eating oatmeal I’m going to just cook my own breakfast.

On the one hand the part of me that spent so much time learning about nutrition and meal timing and everything else is wasted and that I really could do better.  On the other hand, the part of me that has desperately been struggling thinks that this is simple and easy and while I probably can’t live on it for the rest of my life, maybe a return to when food was just food would be nice.

Yesterday I estimate I ate about 2100 calories, because I got mayo & thunder sauce (which I think is just oil & vinegar) on both my sandwiches.  Still, though, I exercised both in the morning and after work, and I lost 3 lbs. so I think it’s a step in the right direction.  Today I will work on cutting out unnecessary condiments.  I’ll report back soon!

First of all, I haven’t weighed myself in a few days so I don’t know what I weigh.  I’m trying not to get on that emotional rollercoaster deal.  For the first week, it was okay.  I visited the gym 4 times, I walked the dogs almost every day for an hour, and my eating was much improved.  I also started taking Jillian Michael’s Calorie Control, because no matter how much I ate I was starving.  After a solid 6 months of regular binging, my body just doesn’t know how to eat regular-sized portions.  It’s really helped take the edge off my hunger.   The biggest problem is I can’t seem to control myself when I’m out with my friends.  The few times I did really poorly, was during/after social events.  So for now, I’m going to cut out going out.  I know I’ve talked before about not being willing to give up my social life for the sake of losing weight, and I’m still not, but until I have more of a handle on my eating I need to stop.
On the plus side, I figured out the ultimate motivation, at least for the next few weeks - I’m going to Hawaii on my birthday!!!  I’m so excited!  I booked a 4-day/3-night trip.  I’ve always wanted to go, and it just so happens I had some extra money.  Plus, I felt like it would inspire me to be really good, then give me a great reward, and also reinforce the idea that just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to have fun or do something awesome or go to the beach.  Now I just have to make sure I work out a lot to reduce the risk of being mistaken for a whale and harpooned on the beach. 

One thing this week reminded me was that eating healthy when you suck at cooking is boooooring.  I need to start coming up with some new recipes.  Cookinglight.com had some interesting stuff although some of it made me wonder - like they have a potatoes au gratin substitute that was like 400 calories and over 20 carbs.  Why would you not just eat the potatoes?!  But I did find some good things on there and I really want to start eating more fish which I can’t cook even a little so hopefully I can find some good stuff.

They say you have to hit rock bottom to really want to change.  I don’t know if I believe that.  The scary thing is, I don’t think I’m at rock bottom yet.  But I can see I have to change.

260.4 lbs.

I always make New Year’s Resolutions, and they always include losing weight.  This year is no different.  I want to lose 100 lbs. over the next 10 months.  I want to do this without counting every bite of food I eat in FitDay, and without driving myself back into the dark recesses of an eating disorder.  Is that possible?  We’ll see.

I can’t go on ignoring what’s happening any longer.  I used to pride myself on the fact that I was super-active, even though I was obese (thus proving the adage “You can’t out-train a shitty diet.”)  Now, however, my activity level is severely compromised.  I can hardly breathe half the time.  I can’t run even .25 of a mile.  I haven’t ridden my bike in months.  I don’t like going out with my friends anymore.  I actually cried in the car the other day when I was telling C. I just can’t have a good time when I’m out in public.  It’s like I’m wrapped in a cloud of fatness.  I don’t want to be dragged down anymore.  So, I’m trying to change.  I’m trying to really figure out exactly how I can live the rest of my life in a way that makes me happy - without being miserably fat or miserably obsessed with dieting.  Here’s to 2010 being the year I finally figure that shit out!

I had a thought this morning about losing a lot of weight.  When you first do it, everyone compliments you, tells you how great you look, admires you, envies you, wants to be you.  You feel fantastic, it’s like buying a brand-new outfit that looks wonderful on you, except it’s your body so it’s an outfit you get to wear ALL THE TIME.  Awesome!
Then…you get done losing weight.  It’s not awesome any more.  You’re not “That Fat Girl That Lost All That Weight.”  Now you’re just “That Normal Size Girl, And What Have You Done For Me Lately?”   Not being the superstar anymore is hard.  This must be what child actors feel like after their careers go to shit.

I left my phone at work on Friday night and intended to go back & get it, but never did.  I decided instead to mope around the house all day Saturday, and play the Sims.  It reminded me of my plan, a long time ago, to distract myself from the urge to binge by playing video games.  I never really did give that a fair chance.  Lately I have had very little interest in hanging out with my friends and I think it’s because of my weight.  I just feel soooo fat I don’t even want to leave the house, and then I get depressed and want to eat.

Yesterday, however, I exercised more in one day than I have in probably 2 months.  I woke up later than usual, and the dogs and I decided we wanted breakfast tacos.  Actually the dogs really didn’t have much input into the decision, but it’s ok because dogs always want breakfast tacos.  For those of you who don’t know, Austin has developed a weird obsession with food served from trailers.  I guess it’s the in thing because you can start or expand your business on the cheap, but it’s kind of weird to tell people you eat food from a big silver airstream.  Anyway, there’s a cool little trailer park up the street from my house complete with tables and a fire pit, so we walked up there.  I always buy the dogs a plain egg taco.  Jester eats it in little bites, it’s the cutest thing ever, and everyone who sees him thinks it’s adorable.  Sora doesn’t like the tortilla so she gets some bites of the egg, then I feed them a reduced breakfast when we get home.

After that, I went home and lazed around for a while, then I felt bad that I was spending a beautiful, warm, sunny day inside so we went to the Green Belt for a little over an hour.  It was really beautiful - there’s been no water all summer so it was great to see the river full and roaring along again.

I also started reading a blog about a woman who lost 100 lbs. in 10 months.  She didn’t do anything particularly extreme or hard-core, she just quit eating like a pig.  It inspired me, so I went to the grocery store and spent $130 on healthy food.  So far today I’ve been good, of course it’s been only like 6 hours but baby steps, right?

The annoying thing about the holidays is that I always have the desire to start eating healthy and exercising, and it feels like the whole world is conspiring against me.   Cookies at work, Christmas parties, Thanksgiving parties, have some cookies my significant other made, happy holidays here’s a box of chocolate, etc. etc.

I’ve spent the past few months adrift in a sea of bad eating habits, no exercise, and gaining weight. I always thought that with my years of healthy eating I’d eventually settle out of the “crazy” eating and get to something more normal, but no, turns out that doesn’t happen.   I wish that I could re-program my brain somehow.  Over Thanksgiving my friend A. visited, and her new SO is a hypnotherapist.  He said he’s helped a lot of people with weight loss, and  I seriously considered finding one locally, but I don’t know what I want them to hypnotize me to do.  I like healthy food, I just want junk food more.  Can you hypnotize an addiction away?
Speaking of addiciton, there was a study that came out recently that found that eating chocolate has similar addictive qualities to taking heroin.  No wonder we can’t break the cycle of obesity, we’re up against drugs more powerful than anything coming out of South America.

My #1 fantasy is to someday be trapped on a desert island with a plentiful source of food but nothing else.  Like fish & coconuts or something.  Sure I’d get sick of eating it but I’d lose weight, and nothing puts you in better shape than having to hunt for your food.  Unfortunately the only way that ever seems to happen is if you’re in a plane crash, and I don’t do much flying over the pacific ocean so with my luck I’d just be splatter on the tarmac somewhere.

In what may seem like a “less than ideal” move, I quit therapy.  Honestly I just didn’t feel like it was helping.   My therapist always wanted to talk about things I didn’t feel were relevant.  Yeah, I know, my family sucked and I ate because I had a shitty stepmother and a crappy childhood.  I’m 33, can we move on past that now?

So basically, I’m not really sure what I’m going to do, I just know I need to do something.  Stay tuned.